My blog is boring these days because my skin is a mess again. This means that I haven’t been taking pictures, I haven’t been leaving the house much aside from going to work each day, and I haven’t much felt like writing. Ugh.
I am not as bad as I was last summer and fall, but after eight weeks of feeling decent (I still can’t use the word good, unfortunately), it really sucks going backward.
Thankfully, my face is nowhere near as bad as it was months ago. It’s less red, irritated, and dry, and is much smoother overall. This past week I’ve dealt with some additional dryness/flakiness around my mouth (my problem zone) and forehead, but that’s about it on my face. The bulk of my issue right now are my torso and arms. My back and shoulders, in particular. It’s a dry, bumpy, cut-up mess. I am slathering on so much oil each day that I’m afraid of ruining my clothes, which is why I’ve been wearing Chris’s white Hanes t-shirts every day. Yes, to work. Good thing it’s winter and I can wear cardigans to (sort-of) cover them up.
While I am severely frustrated and find myself on the verge of a mental breakdown every morning before work, the calm, rational side of me knows that this is all part of the arduous healing process. In fact, so many people I’ve “met” on the online forum speak of late-stage flares after periods of mild breaks. I’m about to enter my tenth month of withdrawal, so I suppose I should feel comfort knowing that my symptoms, though hellish, aren’t out of the ordinary. After feeling like the only person in the universe dealing with these complex symptoms for a few years, the idea of fitting into someone else’s mold does console me.
While this post probably makes me sound quite depressed, I really am trying to stay happier this time around. I’m trying not to imagine an entire month (or winter) with skin like this, but rather focusing just on this one day, or one hour. When I actually do this, it does help. Another thing: I’ve been thinking about my happiness transcending my skin – that is, being happy regardless of whether I get better or not. For too long, my happiness has been hinged on how my skin is feeling each day, and I really hate that. I want to be able to say yes this awful, but I am still a happy person. This is easier for me to do now than it was a year ago.
Anyway, I know posts like this are not why anyone stops by this blog, but I need to say some of these things now so I have something to look back on. Even though I’ve done a good job convincing myself that, once this is all over, I just want to forget every last one of these bad days, that would be stupid. Then I might not remember how lucky I am.